Thursday, February 3, 2011

Hopefully the End... of my seemingly incurable mood swings

So, we have some absolutely wonderful news, which is helping to buoy up the craziness that I know has been lurking randomly inside, waiting for the absolute least opportune moment to attack: we have officially signed a lease!  I am excited beyond words at the prospect of finally being back in our own space.  And again, while I really and truly am incredibly grateful to my MIL for letting us stay with them in their basement until life got figured out, I don't think anyone had any idea whatsoever that it was going to take this long to manage it.  On the plus side, we have found a nice, clean home, in a wonderful ward, with people that we know and love, and there's even a pool close by for the kiddos (my eldest is excited out of her mind, and keeps asking when it's going to be warm enough for the pool to open, which is actually a fairly good question considering the negative temps we've had the past few days).  On the down side, our move in date, March 5th, gives me approximately 15 days to get fully moved in, organized, unpacked, and sanitized before baby Bren comes to join us.  Yikes. 

I have to say, I am definitely feeling the pressure.  I have my fabric for my squares washed (fabric bundles from here, and with any luck, I'll be able to steal the iron and rotary cutter long enough today to get them pressed and cut before my sashing (linen from here) shows up in the mail this week (fingers crossed).  I know that it has to sound absolutely spastic, but I am absolutely panicking about getting the baby quilt done in time.  And the fact that my MIL's Bernina and I seem to have a hate-hate relationship is not exactly helping.  I think a lot of that comes from the fact that the *only* thing that I really didn't have finished and ready before Carrick came to join us last January, was his baby quilt. My visiting teacher later (and very lovingly) finished it for me, but I can't tell you what a *huge* disappointment it was to me that I had never finished it myself.  The blanket that was supposed to love and cuddle him, if not for a lifetime, at least for a couple of years, he never even touched.  It sat, his whole life, in my sewing closet, waiting for me to taken the whole two hours it would have taken to quilt and bind his blanket.  Now that quilt sits in the top drawer of my dresser, and is one of the first things I see every morning (or at least it was before we were living out of laundry baskets, lol).  And yes, I'm sure there's all kinds of horrible, pugilistic, perfectionist nonsense attached to that, but I can't quite seem to get beyond the fact that I was never really ready for him in the way that counted most to *me*. 

Making blankets for my kiddos is how I connect to them.  And yes, I know that in reality it probably serves a very limited function, but I spend a tremendous amount of time during my pregnancy contemplating colors, and design, and do I knit or do I quilt, and if I do either, then which pattern, and on and on and on.  Making a blanket is how I start to connect to their tiny, individual personalities.  I made several blankets for my eldest, and yes, looking back on them, they are all terrible, misshapen, oddities of knitwear, but I loved spending the time thinking about her as I was putting them together.  I made her three or four blankets (at least, there were a couple that got scrapped), and two sweaters.  Kyle I also made several blankets for.  Carrick, I only made the quilt for, and I never even finished that.  So now, in my demented, control-seeking mind, I'm adamant that I not only have to make and finish a quilt, but I have to make baby clothes as well.  Because somehow, somewhere, my logic apparently is that if I make enough for the baby, and complete enough projects, then she will be safe too. 

I think a lot of my hang-up, even having the assurances that I've had through blessings and scripture studies that this baby will be safe, I feel as though all of it depends upon my individual effort to *prepare*.  I *need* to get the CPR certification.  I *need* to decorate the crib.  I *need* to wash, sterilize, organize, etc., etc., etc..  And what's so terrifying to me at this point, is that I'm pretty reasonably sure, that even with the help of the ward in moving, and the help of my husband in all of my crazy projects, there is no real hope in getting it all done before she gets here.  And that is probably more terrifying to me than anything else.  John laughs and says that our late move in date is Heavenly Father trying to keep us from thinking. I told him that I was already going to be busy enough.  And he replied, " No, not just busy.  I mean too busy to even breathe."  And I thought about it, realized how true that probably was, and I'm still not sure that I'm okay about it.  The only thing that I can say is that yes, I will most definitely and assuredly be too busy to breathe once March gets here. 

As an addendum, I am devastated to announce the death of my favorite thrift store.  Savers of Fort Collins is apparently no more, and I am incredibly vexed (and disappointed).  I loved the fact that every time I walked into Savers, I walked into a store that was not only clean (which can be a real rarity in a thrift store), but that I could reasonably count on for a good (sometimes even great) selection of books, clothes, shoes, and sheets for up-cycling.  I think all of my favorite thrift finds have come from that store, and I will be sorely pressed to try and find a replacement.  It's a sad, sad, day in the mommyhoood.  Oh well.  I guess this gives me more reason to go shopping, but I was really, really hoping to try to find some nice, cheap lamps.  After the dark and dismal gray of Seattle, I can't tell you how important lamps are in this little world of ours.  And all the more so since almost all of our lamps were decimated between moves.  Hmmmmm. I will definitely have to put my thinking cap on.  It's not garage sale season yet (and I've honestly never been a garage sale shopper anywho, because who on earth knows what you're going to find, and if it's even going to be worth the effort of dragging the kiddos around), so I have no real idea where else to go.  I checked out the Arc last week to no avail, and the Goodwill in our area is pretty sad usually.  I tried the "Big Thrift Store" on south College today, and while there are a lot of neat, mid-century pieces in there that could be fun to recover and reupholster, I don't think it'll become a new favorite anytime soon.  For one, it's loaded with breakables all over the place, and with no carts to contain the kiddos in, and the lack of real organization in the store, it's a parental nightmare (in my personal, humble opinion).  I know that there are some others available in Fort Collins, but I don't know that anything will measure up to the nicety of Savers.  Hmmmm. Too bad I'm so cheap, or I'd probably just start shopping the TJ Maxx for housewares, but that still wouldn't solve my thrifting dilemma.

1 comment:

  1. Yay for your own place to live! Congrats and call me to let me know what you need! Kim